I can't sleep! It's 3:00 a.m. and all these thoughts are rolling through my head. It's not because I am not tired-- because I am! It's not because I have so little to occupy my mind - its so full I can't keep up with all the stuff rolling around in it! So, I decided to get up and get this out. Plus, I figured it has been four months since I blogged, so very few people would read into this insight I am sharing :)
Maybe it's the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call her to tell her about something my happy-go-lucky Anna has said. Maybe it's because she can't see how handsome my sweet Simeon is becoming. Maybe there is some underlying feeling my emotional intelligence is processing that is making me think about her.Maybe I am just suffering emotionally right now and need a safe ear to share my feelings with. Maybe it's because someone reminded me that she would have loved seeing Anna and how spunky she is. Maybe it was the recent reminder from one of her friends from long ago about what a great person she was.
I don't know what it is , but the realization of how much I really miss my mother is weighing heavy on me. It has been 20 years since she lost the battle to cancer and still I miss her just as much. There are times when it isn't as difficult, but there are times that the pain seems just as real as if it were yesterday.Twenty years ago I did not let the pain out. I avoided tears and all appearances of grief. I did not want anyone to know how I felt. That was my mistake and it took years to realize that my stoic behavior was not healthy.
I know there is purpose in our pain. I know God had a plan for my life and it may not have come to fruition if she were still here. But, for some reason, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to talk to her now.
I am wondering, what lesson do I need to learn from these feelings? Is it the value of those closest to us? Is it how short time is and how precious life is? God knows. Time and time again I look back at each milestone and see what pain or emotion He used to teach me a lesson. So, for now I will wait. I will wait to see what He wants me to feel or hear. But, as I wait I will remember the good and look forward to the day when I will be able to share the life I have lived with her.