Saturday, September 13, 2008

20 Years Later ..................

I can't sleep! It's 3:00 a.m. and all these thoughts are rolling through my head. It's not because I am not tired-- because I am! It's not because I have so little to occupy my mind - its so full I can't keep up with all the stuff rolling around in it! So, I decided to get up and get this out. Plus, I figured it has been four months since I blogged, so very few people would read into this insight I am sharing :)

Maybe it's the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call her to tell her about something my happy-go-lucky Anna has said. Maybe it's because she can't see how handsome my sweet Simeon is becoming. Maybe there is some underlying feeling my emotional intelligence is processing that is making me think about her.Maybe I am just suffering emotionally right now and need a safe ear to share my feelings with. Maybe it's because someone reminded me that she would have loved seeing Anna and how spunky she is. Maybe it was the recent reminder from one of her friends from long ago about what a great person she was.

I don't know what it is , but the realization of how much I really miss my mother is weighing heavy on me. It has been 20 years since she lost the battle to cancer and still I miss her just as much. There are times when it isn't as difficult, but there are times that the pain seems just as real as if it were yesterday.Twenty years ago I did not let the pain out. I avoided tears and all appearances of grief. I did not want anyone to know how I felt. That was my mistake and it took years to realize that my stoic behavior was not healthy.

I know there is purpose in our pain. I know God had a plan for my life and it may not have come to fruition if she were still here. But, for some reason, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to talk to her now.

I am wondering, what lesson do I need to learn from these feelings? Is it the value of those closest to us? Is it how short time is and how precious life is? God knows. Time and time again I look back at each milestone and see what pain or emotion He used to teach me a lesson. So, for now I will wait. I will wait to see what He wants me to feel or hear. But, as I wait I will remember the good and look forward to the day when I will be able to share the life I have lived with her.


Rochelle said...

I thought about you all day Saturday and I even started to text you once to tell you. I haven't checked to see if you have blogged in a long time so I was surprised to see you had. I'm sorry you have so much on your mind, but I am confident that God is going to use it for His good.

Love ya

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy coming to your blog...especially to see a new one posted from time to time..hehe.
Although I never knew your mother, I know that she would be very proud of the amazing woman that you are!! And I am positive that she would be VERY drawn to both Anna and Simeon, not just them being her grandchildren, but by their personalities....I really enjoyed them both in summer care when I had them...they are really great kids!!!
I love and admire you so much, and hope that you can find comfort in knowing that you have a very proud mother looking down on you!!
Love always!!
Misty DeSonie

Ron and Jerry Ann Guidroz said...

I have been checking weekly to see if you had posted lately. I relate to your feelings. I lost my mom 46 years ago, right before we married.
She was 37 years old. Every mile stone in my life, I miss her greatly.
It has taught me to reflect on the good things she taught me the 19 years I had her. She was a widow for 12 years and made many sacrifices for me.
Post more often. I miss you. Hope to see you at conference.

Meg said...

Its been awhile since I've checked your blog. Love you, you are an amazing person and I've learned alot from you in the last three years of you being at OPC. <3Meg

Tracie Smith said...

I, too, can relate. I lost my Dad in Nov 1981. Some days it seems it was only days ago. Of course he will never know my children. Trent is so much like Dad and at times it makes my loss worse. Now that Trent is a young minister I see Dad in Trent even more. Life seems so unfair at times yet I realize much of who I am is because I have dealt with the pain of cancer. I feel I'm a better pastor's wife because of my path of life. Yet at times I feel I need Dad to help direct when a problem arises. It's just so confusing. Why do we feel it all so fresh?

One thing I have truly learned is I never want to forget Dad nor stop missing him. It just reassures the deep love and awesome father I had. I'm sure you feel the same way.

It helps to see I'm not strange for dealing with these emotions.

Hope your day is blessed!